Weird Wednesday

Dang is this February the longest short month for everyone?  Today was one of those days that is making me reexamine my whole purpose.  So tired of slumming it, barely getting by and not being absolutely present.  Rather than dwell on it, here are a few things that are making me smile today.

darling new shirts that I can't wait for Pen to wear

Deep burgundy lips with a bare face

Colorful stacking coffee cups

unexpected gift from Grandma

blooming cameilas

and of course these weird-o's

Also, clearly I am having a hard time getting the photos arranged properly on this blog.  If anyone has any tips or tricks they are much appreciated.

Maudlin Monday

 

 I’m just going to write about it.  The plan was to keep it light.  favorite lipsticks, new shoes, funny C$ stories... I can’t not be me.  I’m a talker, I overshare.  Penelope is disabled.  There I said it. DISABLED.  geez that looks weird.  I think that the hardest thing is the guilt.  How did this happen?  Not enough tummy time, too much attention on C.  My body is fucked, I shouldn’t have children.  God tried to warn me with the first one, then the spherocytosis, now this.  One day she almost crawls; the next day she just sits and cries.  Today was a day like that.  I want to just cry with her, but I’m a stone.  I’ve crawled onto the ceiling and am watching myself sit and stare. Willing myself to embrace her and shudder away the feelings of failure and frustration.  I’m not a terrible mother.  I know that.  The therapist says to avoid overhelping, but she doesn’t have to watch her baby reach for the ever elusive toy and erupt into tears when it just cant be gotten.  She doesn’t have to explain to her two year old that “Penelope just isn’t ready to  crawl like Simon,” she doesn’t have to be at the other end of the stare that says, “I’ve just given up.”  I can’t seem to cope.  I fancy myself an optimist.  Staying encouraged through the difficulty, maintaining great attitude, being a great wife, mother, and friend.  I’m failing at it all.  I’m frustrated, sad, and disconnected.  I can’t go on like this so I won’t.  I’m gonna hand Penelope the toy, hold her when she cries, overhelp, and overshare.  So, if you get stuck talking to me and I unload on you, smile politely, place a caring hand on my shoulder and listen.   

Friday Fun

today was the first day since Penelope was born that Camilla and I had an outing on our own.  She and Andy go out together alone constantly, but for some reason it never occurred to me that she would want one-on-one time with me as well.  weird that it took me a whole year to figure that out. she was a bit concerned and kept asking where Pen was, but her anxiety quickly faded when I took her to Starbucks for a chocolate mini-do-nut.  below are some photos post Starbucks where we were lucky enough to meet up with the Gloyd family so C$ could have some much needed Jack time.  see her glee below.

I'm wearing a Hang Ten shirt, no really I am, similar here genetic denim and ancient, but ridiculously comfy ae flats better ones here sorry about cutting my head off between the lack of make-up and the giant hair the picture really was offensive.

Wednesday's Beloved

As I was packing all of the girls' snacks for the day, and although we have two of these; I end up using sandwich bags and this horrid thing that I loathe.  Where I love the idea of bento lunch and snack packing, I have yet to assemble a decent collection.  This leads me to this week's round up of favorite things.  Thanks to this BLOG I am now obsessing over this

Here are more of this week's obsessions:

a perfectly poppy matte lipstick

this bag to coordinate

for my morning coffee

punchy flats to transition into spring

Monday On Friends

i don't know if i'm going through some kind of early mid-life crisis, or weaning related depression (read THIS its eye-opening) but, lately i've been analyzing EVERYTHING.  most specifically my friendships.  this is something completely out of my character. i've always believed that people were put in your life at certain times for certain reasons and its your job to appreciate the moment and not require more of people than they are MEANT to give; that friendship should not be dramatic or "work."  so, why now am i questioning this theory?  why at this stage in my life am i desiring a best friend necklace wearing Gayle of my very own?

do you have "rules" for friendships?  Is having a "best friend" as an adult an urban legend that only Oprah itself can obtain?  Is my low maintenance, high quantity - different friends for different things theory the key?  

Also tips on friendships from the always trustworthy 

GirlScouts

Photo courtesy of www.mediabistro.com

Frazzled Friday

yesterday I took Camilla to the park.  We had the whole place to ourselves.  After about 20 minutes of sliding and swinging a 15 month old arrived on the scene.  Camilla’s immediate response was yelling at him from atop the jungle gym, “you don’t come in my house!”  I immediately stepped in and informed her that if she wasn’t going to be nice, we would go home.  She of course ignored me, ran down the stairs and shoved the baby onto the ground with her full force.  Embarrassed and angry, I swiftly pick her up, apologize to the mother, and put her on the bench for an unsatisfying time-out.  We had a discussion about shoving, after the two minutes elapsed she ran off to tell both the boy and his mother she was sorry.  Luckily they understood, however I felt embarrassed and ashamed.  

Today, I thought, has to be better.  Well, hells to the naw, says my little spunky lady as she began this sunny day by urinating all over my already stained and shabby blue rental carpet.  “Big girls use the potty, not the floor.”  “NO! I’m like Penny”  

My day got even better when a nice trip to Descanso Gardens involved her pushing 2 kids and screaming at several old people.  Oh, I almost forgot - she also attempted to commandeer a lady’s walker as she stopped for a rest on a bench. 

Am I the only one who deals with this?  Do you spank, time out, just say no... No judgement, just a desperate woman looking for answers!

I’m wearing Ben Sherman blazer similar, Mudd burnout tee, Genetic Denim Jeans, Lucky Brand boots 

C$ is wearing Harajuku top, Gap cords and Converse Sneakers

Pen is wearing Old Navy shirt and Levi Jeggings